Ben 10 meets his destiny
by Dogs Bower
Summary: Ben must save the world from destruction and inferior hair styling products.
1. Chapter 1

**Ben 10 meets his destiny**

Ben stood before Jesus and wondered.

"What do I do now that I've come this far?"

"Only you can prevent the overpopulation of the planet of Gornahdrageddon my young Padawan." Said the large man as he started belching out kittens from his eye holes.

"The time traveling bikini werewolf catgirls approach. There isn't much time left to save Denmark."

The planet was shuddering like a kid who dropped his ice cream onto the fat lady's kitchen floor.

"I fell it tremble within me." Ben said to the sky.

He raised his hand and slammed his fist on the Omnitrix. Nothing happened thought because he saw that his arm was missing and only a stump was left.

"Oh damn."

"That's right Ben Tennis balls. I have the power of Greyskull now!" Shouted Kevin as he raced through time on the rotting corpse of Scooby Doo.

"There is no one left to tell me it's okay now."Ben said as he was filled with sadness and regret.

And then the sea of baked hams overtook him.

The angels cried out tears of blood and feces. Butter flowed freely now that the gate of chaos was closed thanks to the hero's sacrifice.

"At last I can enjoy my corn in peace." Said Yugi in sheer wonderment. "Thank you Holy Knight!"

He shuffled his cards and then jammed them into his mouth happily.

The taste was somehow bittersweet.


	2. Chapter 2

Seto Kaiba was driving in his pimpmobile down to San Fernado valley at 3 in the morning to get a hot cup of love from his Filipino mistress.

"I hate that I can't get these coffee stains out of suede." He remarked with upset.

"Damn that Ben Twentyson. He didn't pay be back for the 40 ounces of coke I dropped him at George's party. He will pay!"

In the mean time back at Tea's house Yugi was getting busy with his Rainbow Dragon.

"LEVEL 40 LEVEL 40! UNF UNF UNF!!!!!" He screamed out as he slammed his head against the wall.

"Oh Yugi can't you do that outside!" Tristan sputtered as he downed another bottle of pills hoping to take away the pain.

Joey was in peace already dead on the floor over by the tv.

"You don't know what it's like to have not been born a woman!" Yugi screeched at the bumbling cast of comical misfits.

Just then Kevin Levin busted through the window brandishing his billy club made from the souls of lost Aztec zombie children.

"Hark hark! I harken unto thee! Spare me your lust for adventure for it burns down my throat like the piss of a drunken homosexual pirate."

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CURTAINS YOU ASSHOLE!!!" Tea screamed as tears flowed from her giant softball sized eye balls.

The glistening sanguine orbs popped from their snug sitting spaces of the comfort of the skull and flew and hit Tristan in the face.

"Ow Tea watch where you swings at me! I got that soft spot in my noggin. It plays games with my frontal lobe."

Of course everybody knew that he was lying because he hardly ever used his brain at all in the first place. The bricks were shat.

"I need that jar of fish paste by tomorrow morning or I cannot make the casserole." Princess Peach murmured to the crowd of midget porn stars as they crossed the street.

"Where are you Vilgax." Ben said to himself with sadness as he wandered the streets of Las Vegas trying to get a ride from a passing trucker.

He would probably have to dress up like a slutty bitch to get any takers. He was willing to do anything for his quest. He went to the nearest casino to go look for hookers to pay to give him their high heels fishnets and purses. He did not see the Wigselian Orfbeat lumbering onward to a a crowd of morbidly obese Elvis impersonators.

"I dropped my Britney Spears doll somewhere and I want it back." He cried to the air.

And that was the last time anyone ever saw the Empress Chao ever again.

"I'll use my Angel Command deck to win this round Pikachu!" Shobu cried into the air with happiness.

But Pikachu had other plans for the whiney animu card fag.


	3. Chapter 3

Gwen was finally here.

"Hey I'm finally here!" Said Gwen.

She was then slaughtered by a very disgruntled Pyramid Head who had been thrown out of the local Dennys for not wearing any pants. It was rape o clock. How could he? Pants were against his religion and he'd soon tell the man how he felt when he took them to court. But that would have to wait for another story.

Harry shunned the thought of the overgrown throbbing plastic organ of fate as it made its way to his face.

"Snape please not tonight I'm tired!" The shiny little twat bitched to the abyss.

"You men and your rituals of passage. I'll never understand it all." Hermonie mumbled with dry wet persistance.

The night air was cold and full of bad memories.

"NEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS."

A voice like Gods own glorious fart breaking the silent heavens shot through the sky.

"How come I wasn't in Smash Bros!!!!" The disembodied head of the Great and All Powerful Weegee sputtered from his place atop the golden egg of truthiness.

Ben now slathered in gaudy whore makeup and skin tight assless chaps made his move to the truck stop bathrooms looking for a new lease on life.

"Damn this thong is itchy." He complained to the gods of old.

"Hey there young fellow." Came a voice. "I'll trade you a half eaten jar of peanut butter for some of that fine loin!"

It was Skumbleboor. Dumbledoor's evil lost redneck twin brother.


	4. Chapter 4

When we last left our heroes they were raging against the machine. Ben was swirling through a portal of grief sorrow and tears where in the cries of unborn babies could be heard rattling against the walls. And the walls were made of cake frosting. So it wasn't all bad.

"No. Truly this is the path to nirvana." Ben said solemnly after licking the tormented baby frosting walls.

It tasted like a fat man's hairy back.

He had to find and destroy Harry Potter before his plot to steal all the potatoes out of Ireland came to fruition. As he was flying through the sea of bad memories he smacked into a small boy with a large head and a striped shirt and baseball cap.

"What in the name of Vallhalla?!" Ben gasped with breaths of pained fire.

"Hi I'm Ness! I escaped the all powerful demon lord Weegee and three bad mis translation scripts from Nintendo's good quad to come here and warn you of impending danger. Have a Magic Cake."

He handed the confused young man the enticing delicacy.

"Okay but I think I've missed a few explanations and plot gaps back a few stories ago." Ben said sadly.

"It doesn't matter! There's no consistency with this one if you look closely. It's mostly all irrelevant farce." The freakishly deformed little child boy admitted.

Back fifteen miles away at the nearest run down truckers rest stop Snape was cooking up a plan with Skumpleblot.

"I asked for decaff you brain dead bitch!" The greasy haired wretch yet who was for some sick confusing reason still all the ladies heartthrob screeched at the top of lungs.

"Hey that's my story you can't use that because it's MINE!!!!!" John Freeman said with hasty and ragement.

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU COCAINE SOAKED RETARD." Snape retorted and back handed the man right off his bar stool.

Three drunkards clapped breaking the overall silent ambiance of the room.

"Hey Moe. Gimmie a beer."

Homer stumbled through the door and sat down next to the wily sorcerers.

"Not this crap again! How many cameos are we gonna have?" Snape snarled with a growl and a slap of his large forehead. "We're already way over budget as it is."

The door opened again and a lanky she-male stood in the rotting wood frame.

"You you guys have a phone here? I need to make a call. And it's not gonna be local."

Said Ben the hooker.

The sight of it made Batman topple from the rooftop he was perched on.


	5. Chapter 5

The air was cold and filled with the tormented sounds of morbidly obese cosplay fangirls jostling about one another for position of the last Naruto yaoi doshinji. Ben decided at that moment that he really regretted letting Tails and Gwen drag him to the animu convention.

"GIRUGAMESH!!!!!!" blurted out the festively plump wreck of a black eyeliner wearing goff man as he plunged his way through the crowd and knocked down the sweaty hairy arms of the massive beasts in his path to snatch the colorful and wonderfully drawn porn book as his prize.

Robotnik shit his pants in rage and went back to a corner to fix his ripped bodice. Man Fayes got all the luck. Suddenly he let out a womanly squeal as he felt his butt cheeks being pinched in a quite naughty manner.

"Say whut?" the portly man freak muttered grumpily as he looked down to see a giggling Snively.

He was of course dressed up as a goddamn Gendo.

"Oh you." the fat man chortled and gave a flap of his lumpy hand.

"Sir I just wanted to get your attention and tell you the Tennyson boy is invading the game room. We had better get our ass in gear if we want to catch up to him before the crowd hits for Tohou."

"I do belive you are right my dear Snively. Let us go."

And with that Robuttnik lifted his fat ass out of the groaning chair it had been planted in for the fast two hours. Unfortunately it did not bode well for the fact that he had just inhaled a large fire cracker river burrito and the gassy inferno that had been building up inside his intestines was now properly unprotected. The resulting burnout shredded the chair back to pieces of birch it had been birthed from and laid waste to the gaggle of faggy Ladouche outfitters who had sadly taken the time to pause for pictures in the spot. As masses vomited blood and bits of organic matter from the tormenting stench Robotrick gave a shiver and scream of pain as thousands of gallons of hot waste came accidentally flowing freely from his trembling colon. Needless to say Snively didn't bother to stay and watch for very long.

In the game room now filled to the ceiling with bad DDR movers shaking what satan and their McDonald raping mommas gave them Ben and Gwen were trying to sit and figure things out for themselves in an ever changing society.

"But Ben. It's just not right for two men to get married. Don't you see that?"

Ben nodded but held his opinion on the subject and refused to bend to the laws of what is considered normal in today's society. If he wanted to bunk with Kevin it was okay. But marrying him not. Such was madness in every aspect.

"Jake and the Fatman! Why does the outside halls smell like somebody vomited their forty seven week old mayonnaise and fish egg sandwich into a dumpster of Paris Hilton's used panties and then let Michael Moore take a really long dump on them before placing them in a stew pot full of burnt hair?" shouted a scowling Vash.

It wasn't a cosplayer it was actually Vash because he sucks like that. And then some little troll girl kicked him in the nuts after he refused to pose for a pic with her holding a box of donuts.

"Gwen. Just fucking drop it okay? I don't have time for this. I'm supposed to be saving the fucking world." Ben finally grieved as he got out of his chair.

"You don't even remember what happened two chapters ago! You'll never get back to it anyway. The furries will upstage you!!!!" Gwen shrieked.

Then she went back to shoving the delicious Pocky into her gullet.

"OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THIS IS BETTER THAN SEX WITH BRAT PITT WHILE JOLINA WATCHES." she squealed as she came.

Then the Tails Doll appeared and began the slow process of systematically chewing off the unattended children's faces as they searched desperately for the restrooms. Could Ben remember what he had to do to save the universe in time?

You decide.


	6. Chapter 6

Ben made his way across the boulevard of broken dreams as he dragged the screaming Gwen behind him. She didn't like getting puke on the new shoes she had just purchased not but three days prior. Unfortunately she had no one to blame but her own self.

"GODAMMIT BEN! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" shrieked the drunken young woman as she twisted and struggled unwittingly against her savior.

She did not see the stinking fetid puss-filled mutant zombies that were stumbling their way around the room with dismembered human corpses wet and dripping and scattered decorating the walls. How they got in through the locked doors was anyones guess. Fucking zombies.

"Just deal with it Gwen." groaned Ben as he swung his flashlight like the spear of Longinus using it to pierce a bloated zombies still throbbing heart as it stood before him and blocked the path to the light beyond. The light beyond simply being a neon disco ball which several still high off LSD ravers were dancing ferociously around as the strobes flashed disorientingly.

Ben tried to ignore their screams of terror as his headache grew and he continued dragging the now unconscious Gwen by her vomit soaked hair through the hallway and to the fire escape doors.

"I want another taste of that sweet sweet candy Kevie baby." moaned Gwen somewhat intelligibly as afterward more streams of bile and tequila made their way from her succulent lips.

"Gwen!" Ben growled upon his realization that the zombies were being attracted to the regurgitation. "Fuck." he muttered and placed his face in his palm while shaking his head.

The door which had been locked from the outside suddenly found itself opening and Ben had to shield his eyes as the daylight poured in. Ben looked and found himself staring into yet another unfamiliar face.

"Hello boy. I'm here to help." said the swarthy and unkempt looking man as he leaned on his cane.

Gwen came to and expelled the contents of her stomach one last time before looking up at the man. A smile crept across her face.

"Oh. My. GOD. You're Gregory House." and with her new found strength she lunged and knocked the man from his own feet.

"Oh Gwen. What am I going to do with you." muttered Ben once more. This time he was smiling.

The trio left the scent of madness and sorrow behind them.

Or did they?


	7. Chapter 7

When we last left our aging heroes and heroines, Benneth and Gwenneth were silently and swiftly eloping toward the sandy shores of a sultry beach with hopes and hearts aflutter. Surely as the chosen ones of this particular story they would be able to cross a sea of shattered dreams and reach the freedom they had so long desired.

BUT. Would the author allow it? Let's find out.

As the pale moonlight shone through the wispy wild palms Ben lead his sisterly female toward a castle made of bread and wood. And what appeared to be graham crackers. Low fat.

"Gwen," said Ben.

"Ben," said Gwen.

A low rumbling was heard and the two frightened tweenagers shook like very sexy leaves about to fall off a very sexy tree. And then out of nowhere, a large truck came flying toward them.

It was...dotdotdotdotdotdot...ENOBY! (Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way )

Only she wasn't in a truck, it was really a hearse and it was very black and with fishnets covers on the wheels and the dashboard had a bunch of upside down crucifixes on it because faux Satanism is cool and it had hair extensions that were all black and red and a tight leather bodice wrapping all up in Tim Burton style, Edward Scissorhands, fuckin' aye. And it was all very goffik and intimidating to preps. And Ben and Gwen were preps. Totally.

"Ben, look out, it's an all powerful grand high witch, level eight! Oh my God, we're going to be obliterated! I can't defeat a grand high witch! This is madness!" cried Gwendolynne Tenndolynne.

Ben said nothing because he is very stoic. But then he turned and said

"THIS IS...dotdotdotdotdotdot...PRODUCT PLACEMEEEEEEEEEEENT!"

And then the head office of BANDAI came to rescue them from the terrible work of writing with seventy-five armored helicopters and Ebony got scared and crashed her goffik hearse of madness and woe into a sexy tree. Which her and Draco had stuck thingies into each other and did the you know what so long ago before she lost all her attention and nobody liked her anymore and she started staying in her room, playing WoW, Sims, Kingdom Hearts, and SecondLife, and she ate Mrs. Fields cookies all day and got really really fat. And she cried.

"Oh Ben, are we saved?" asked Gwen tenderly as she leaned against the strong chest of her wayward brother-savior.

"I don't know, Gwen. We'll see," responded Ben with eyes of thunder and longing and it was cool and very sexy. And a manly tear slid down his cheek. For reasons yet unknown.

But it might have been the fact that they inside the helicopters were slowly heading towards a very big Final Fantasy icon who had been sent as a bounty hunter to execute them all.

It was...dotdotdotdotdotdot...SEPHIROTH.

And the fangirls cried out.

Ben stared ahead, emotionlessly.

Would he have enough summons? Would he have enough EXP to win this soon to be approaching epic and nonsensical battle?

And more importantly. If not. Would his Gameshark 2.0 still work after all these years so he could try the debug codes?


	8. Chapter 8

Benjamin stumbled toward the light of day with Gwendolyn's sweaty meat paw in his grasp. I think zombies had been following them or something a few pages ago. I'm not sure any longer because I have stopped caring. You know what, dinosaurs are much better than zombies. Let's go with that. And there was like a helicopter or something. LET US ASSUME IT CRASHED.

So Ben and Gwen were being chased by zombified velociraptors who had been forsaken by the great Raptor Jesus and had since decided to take vengeance upon the small upright beings known as humans.  
And their gaping razor toothed maws were inching ever closer, gasp! They had been summoned by Sephiroth because he can do shit like that and he think it's funny.

"Ben," Gwen cried out in torment and woe. "We're going to die!"

Ben said nothing in response because he was too busy wondering where the hell the plot had escaped to. Deep down inside, he knew it was never really there but kept on denying.

Then the raptors got bigger and turned into their ultra raptor fursonas which had pointy spike hair and fancy rainbow colors and leg warmers and tentacles and jewlery and fishnets and magic wings and tiger stripes and neon lights and were very kawaii just like on deviantArt. Only they never are.

Sephiroth strode up with silvery hair flowing and leather coat flapping and shiny metal things he has glinting in the pale moonlight of destiny.

"Ha ha, you fools. I've got you now!" said Sephiroth sexily. "You can't escape from my SparkleRaptor zombies!"

But Ben challenged that declaration and pulled out his trump card:a package of unidentifiable beers.

He threw the package of Ultimate Power toward the not-horizon, and suddenly from the sky came a shattering crash of reality breaking and a light shone from the heavens themselves and a form appeared within that light and it was

DUKE NUKEM

and he grabbed the beers and chugged them all like a BOSS and then said

"Take your tentacles back to Japan, you weeaboos!" and he kicked all of the zombie sparkle raptors in the face. AT THE SAME TIME. And they exploded. Into sparkles. Just like in real life!

"Aw, hell no," muttered Sephirosu, pained by the damaging explosionness of his mighty and unnecessary raptor army.

He raised up his fearsome Masamune and slashed with enough force to tear the world in twain, but he just hit some big fat cosplayer who was trying to get a photo of him because they did not know he was the real deal. Nobody grieved for the loss of the sweaty, stinking manchild. Especially once they saw his convention carry bag was full of underaged Lolicon hentai. OH, CLAMP. You scoundrels.

Gwen turned and cried sadly toward her not lover Ben, wishing he was Kevin but Kevin or some Kevin like figure died previously. I think.

"I used to know a girl. She had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it. And raped her. She ended up at a hospital on Fake Sounding Name Street," murmured Gwen.

"Ha ha ha. What a story, Gwen," said Ben. Then he punched her.

But suddenly in a horrible and unexpected plot twist, the test results came back and Gwen definitely got breast cancer.

The revelation was softened by Ben ordering a pizza. But would it get there in time? And would Duke eat it all and leave none for anyone else but then not chip in a single dime? Only time will tell.

Also, me. But not now. I have to eat a bag of chocolates.

**ANGST!**


	9. Chapter 9

The pizza man stumbled out from his rickety van and onto the cold dead ground a thousand homeless men had spit upon in their hallowed despair. And some gum that got on his shoe, but that's another story.

He walked to the door. He raised his greasy hand and stabbed a finger on the delicious button which rang the salty tune of anally raped angels. Ding dong.

"DOMINOS, MOTHERFUCKERS. GET OUT HERE!"

And then the door opened. Ben stood, with eyes a flame and ass tightened.

"You're exactly fifty three seconds late, my friend. You don't deserve to stand before me in such a way. Prostrate yourself at once," he demanded, pointing a stern finger at the greasy hair greaser in the Linkin Park t-shit and torn jeans.

"I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH FOR DEALING WITH THIS SHIT," declared the spindly evil man.

So Ben sent him to the depths of Hell and beyond. With his penis. Which was made out of God.

The lowly pizza monger screamed as he burned under the breath of our lord and savior Benjamin Twenneson. But before he left this world fully, he made a last repulsive statement.

"I FARTED ON YOUR PIZZA, YOU COCK!"

And then the portal to the underworld sealed itself, leaving nary a licking flame in its wake or scorch mark on that nice clean Chinese rug.

"Pizza's here," said Ben and he walked toward the waiting kitchen and Gwen, and that fat guy and all the other people who have made cameo appearances in this story. I forget who they were since it's been so long since I've updated or cared.

"This story sucks anyway," said Sephiroth, the king of all bishonen. Sexily. And then he sparkled so hard, somebody's head exploded. Feel free to imagine whichever character you wish for that scenario.

"Ben, the world is still at stake you know," reminded Gwen, her eyes haunted and fearful. She shivered and cast her gaze toward the windows. The Apocalypse was still nigh.

"Shut up, bitch," said Ben calmly. He opened the pizza box and admired the sizzling contents. His soul had been consumed by apathy. There would be no happy ending. Only precious minutes of respite.

Everyone bowed their heads in prayer even though they were atheists. Because that's what those people do. Except Jesus. He just started eating a slice of pizza because he's fucking Jesus and he can get away with anything.

"The earth is burning. I can feel it," said Gwen. "In my heart. And my lungs." A tear slipped down her precious cheek.

"I told you nobody would be able to fix this problem," grumbled Kevin. He didn't even want any of the tasty spread of foodstuffs because Dominos sucked. So he sat with his back to the wall, staring bleakly at everything that was wrong with the world today. And also fantasizing about the size of Ben's sausage. But not the one on the pizza. Wink, wink.

"I'm leaving," said Sephiroth. "Enjoy your unpleasant deaths, morons." With that, he vanished into the alternative universe where only Japanese original characters can go to. It was filled with Pocky and Lolicon.

Kevin got up and walked to the bathroom and then he slit his wrists but nobody really noticed or cared. The toilet clogged and overflowed. Somebody would have to call a plumber but since it was the end of the world, they'd all quit their jobs or died and become zombies. Or been eaten by zombie velociraptors. Because those were still there.

Now the house shook with the rumble of approaching doom. The occupants shifted nervously and clutched their soda cups, sipping away at the flat and tasteless liquefied misery held within. Ben contained to sit and chew on his slice, which faintly tasted of ass. But not enough to fully soil the flavor. The sweet, sweet flavor of ass pizza. He had become accustomed to it over the years.

"Ben," muttered Gwen sadly," How can you just sit there. Eating pizza."

But Ben didn't answer.

He didn't need to.

And then the moon crashed into the earth, which nobody was expecting at all since this was a zombie scenario.

But it didn't kill DUKE NUKEM, who went to live a long and happy life.

**EL FIN  
**


End file.
